Tuesday, October 26, 2010


my mind has been made up. this is the last choice i will give my self. If i chose one, or the other, i have to stick to it. Chopping and changing my mind every ten minutes HAS TO STOP.

I will give in.

I will forgive, and forget

I will learn to take it. Because thats what sacrifice is.

But its not fair.

you dont sacrifice for me.



to break, or not to break.

I guess i have to make the decision sooner or later.

Do i want to lose the greatest thing in my life.

Do i want a family more then him.

Am i better off alone.

what do i do :(

Monday, October 25, 2010


I love fast-food. I am the first to admit. Biting into a Bacon burger from Red rooster, or a Quater pounder from macca's is amazing... well except for it going straight onto my thighs and hips.

But do we really need 4 McDonalds, 3 KFCs, 2 Domino's pizza, 4 subways (yes i know that subway is healthy)2 Red Roosters, the list goes on...

Why do we need so many? Why did shopping fair need a kfc and maccas in the food court? what was wrong with the place's that where there? I personally always shop at PULP sandwich bar. yes its nice to have them, there, in the air-conditioning to have lunch while shopping, but why was it a necessity?

and why are we building a McDonalds OUT THE FRONT OF shopping fair, when there is one INSIDE of shopping fair?

This is getting ridiculous. You dont need to eat fast food all the time, thats why there is Woolworths, Food works, IGA, Coles.

If you cannot get to a McDonalds or a KFC or a Hungry jacks straight away, there is nothing wrong with waiting. you might even feel a bit better about yourself if you ate a home cooked dinner. or a salad sandwich for lunch.

who knows, the love handles may disappear.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Bonds. and such

B is putting me on the lease.... so if we break up, he cannot kick me out. SO reliving. So now i feel free to be able to do my garden and buy furniture and yeah. IM JUST HAPPY about that. xo

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Achievement Pending: INDEPENDENCE

I feel so independent. Catching the buses to town and back again, not having to rely on anyone at all. I'd say Achievement Unlocked, but I still need B emotionaly. Its what im working on to fix. So I dont need him at all. I want to want him, not want to need him. Once i start working, i'll be spending my own money, doing my own things and what not. Its hard to trust. i dont know why. I mean, I trust him, but not anyone else. He tells me every time we have a "talk" that i always bring up, about him and other girls. he tells me that its not him. Its not what he wants to do. Why can I not believe him. Its driving me insane.

Some days, I think maybe i should leave. But i feel so comfy with my life. I feel content with him. i dont know. Its all so confusing.

rainy weather day

I am soo drained today. I met up with all of my friends at different times today. lol. was scary freaky. Though I did get to bottle feed K and Z's new baby. It was GREAT. first time in doing that. I felt clucky all over again. Though I cannot have a baby right now, As my partner doesnt want one, I will wait for three years. Then i will have one. I have decided. If he still doesnt want one then, im gunna have to leave. Its the hard reality of it all.

So i start work on saturday. IM SO EXCITED. i havnt been this excited for anything. I hope tomorrow goes REALLY REALY REALLY fast.

awh. I had the best day. And i hope my night gets better.

NOW for a shower. xox

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

musings of an afternoon 2.

Im sitting here, watching Chuck and B play some wrestling game on the WII, marvelling at how two 30 something yearolds can be so childish lol. Kinda brings me back to when I was a child, lol like 10 years ago, I was only 11. I think the only game I wanted to play was wolfinstine or some game. then for some reason I just stopped. But then I met B. And everything has changed all my thinking with games. At the start of our relationship I was all pissed off that he would be playing all the time, and it would bring lots of fights. But now, I LONG to be next to him, on my pc that im going to buy VERY SOON, playing with him, taunting his online characters and killing him lol, things i cannot do in real life LOL.

My point is, i suppose, life can take you to very interesting places. I feel amazing. I feel like LIVING, not dying...Which for most of my life, is something that has always been in the back of my mind. I have the scars to prove it.

I was always thinking about what is the meaning of life, what are we here for. I think the answer, well for me anyway, is to be HAPPY. and CONTENT with what you have. To LIVE and to LOVE. and to make the most of who you are. I have learnt that you cannot change someone, if you love them, you will love them for who they are and what they do. And hope, I guess, that they will do the same for you. My partner and I have been through ALOT. I have acused him of soo much, even though he has been here for me and hasnt done half the shit that I have yelled at him about. And he has his habits that make me mad, but at the end of the day the fact that we are still together and still going strong means something more then a couple who have it easy everyday, and never fight. Its not real if its not hard, its not worth it if its to easy. That is my motto in life.

Things are looking up for me right now, I will be starting work soon and I will get my Baby ( the car) on the road in NO time. i cannot wait to get my Licence. Its a bit sucky that im 21 and i dont have it yet. I guess I have always thought that everyone will do everything for me. Like they have in the past. Im just over using people for things i could do my self if i was not lazy.

I will end here. Have a great day

much love.


I think that i need to work on me as a whole person then try and just focus on my weightloss. I am not a strong person. i rely on others to get things done for me, and i dont actually take the time to do things for me... you know. I try soo HARD to make everyone happy that sometimes i forget who i am, and forget the fact that my happiness is more of a priority then everyone elses. As a partner, i think that MOST of me is a great partner, Im willing, I try. and i LOVE very easy. I am very jealous however, and i get upset over the smallest things. I KNOW in my heart that my bf isnt going to cheat, however some where in my mind i feel like he is. So i need to work on who i am as a person, but what i want. I start work soon and i am SOOOO excited for it. and there is sooo much that i want to do and what i want to buy. and hopefully with time i can